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Delayed Ejaculation

The average time between penetration during intercourse and ejaculation for a man who thinks of himself as a premature ejaculator is only two and a half minutes. So, then, what would it mean to you if you were able to last for thirty minutes, forty, fifty...or indeed, never ejaculate at all during intercourse?

For, unlikely though it may sound, that is exactly the problem which faces man with a condition called delayed ejaculation. In essence, delayed ejaculation appears to be the opposite of premature ejaculation. As an aside I would just point out that I have reviewed a whole range of treatments for premature ejaculation including Tarutao on my website staying-power.com. See a review of Tarutao here to understand how complicated an issue premature or early ejaculation actually is.

Back to delayed ejaculation. This too is confusing: a man appears to be aroused, and have an erection very suitable for intercourse, but no matter how long sex continues, he may be unable to ejaculate at all, or he may only be able to do so with great difficulty. How may this be explained?

On the face of it a condition such as delayed ejaculation - which, by the way, is also known as retarded ejaculation - goes against everything we expect during sex. For most men, the prospect of vaginal intercourse is so attractive and so arousing that it promotes a quick orgasm - often far more rapid than either the man or his partner want. How is it, then, that some men not only don't ejaculate prematurely, but don't even do so in a normal timescale (which I would put at say between 10 and 20 minutes of lovemaking), and may not even do so no matter how long sexual intercourse continues?

It's an interesting question, to say the least! The paradox of delayed ejaculation is that it actually may have more in common with premature ejaculation than you might at first think. Apart from those cases of delayed ejaculation which are caused by drugs that interfere with the ejaculatory mechanism, it seems that many cases of delayed ejaculation are caused by the man actually not being very aroused at all during sex, despite the fact that he has an erection. Despite this, his low sexual arousal is not sufficient to get him to the point of ejaculatory inevitability, no matter how long intercourse may last. Now, as we know sexual arousal is product of both physical processes in the body such as kissing, fondling, touch, oral sex and masturbation, together with mental arousal caused by fantasy, anticipation of sex, and the memory of previous experience of sex. Both of these are necessary to get a man to the point where he's ready to ejaculate, and an absence of either source of stimulation will stop him from ejaculating in the normal way.

But why would a man not be aroused during sexual intercourse, and why would he not not realize that? It seems the answer to that question lies in the man's disconnection from his own sexuality. We talk, almost as a cliché, about men being cut off from their feelings, but it seems that there is a lot of reality in this for many men around sexual issues. Previous bad experiences, childhood abuse, wounding – that is to say, psychological wounding by those who shamed or made a child guilty or anxious about sex - as well as adult experiences of sex that go badly wrong in some way, can all contribute to a man cutting himself off from his awareness of his sexuality, his sexual arousal, and his sexual connection with his partner. It's what's known in psychological terms as a defense mechanism.

These defense mechanisms are, as the name suggests, all about defending oneself from further psychological hurt. It makes sense not to feel much during sex if you've previously been hurt during sex.

Now of course the interesting thing here is that some men probably refuse to have sex with a partner they feel antagonistic or hostile towards. However, it seems that some men - those with retarded ejaculation - are so committed to their partners' well-being, or at least what they interpret as their partners' well-being, that they continue to engage in sexual intercourse, and attempt to satisfy their partner without ever realizing that their resentment is so high that it's interfering with their sexual responses. This isn't a criticism or any kind of negative judgment on these men; far from it, in fact. I have spent about 12 years helping men with delayed ejaculation and other sexual dysfunctions, and I know that men with delayed ejaculation are often extremely committed to their partners' sexual pleasure.

Unfortunately it all goes wrong because the underlying hostility or resentment or fear or anger or guilt or shame needs to be brought out into the open and discussed between the partners, or at least dealt with by the man himself, so there is greater emotional - and probably also physical - intimacy between the sexual partners. Once that has been established, the man can be coached in achieving sexual pleasure, which is often just a case of providing information about sexual techniques, explaining how to please a woman by fully engaging with her during lovemaking, and perhaps, above all, showing him how he can avoid focusing exclusively on her pleasure at the expense of his own.

Some facts you may not know abut your penis and sex!

Men over thirty may need physical stimulation of their penis to get an erection

Men can have intercourse with a partial erection

Erections come and go during sex

Men often lose their erection when enjoying oral sex or putting on a condom

Men don't always want sex - it's OK to say "no"!

You may not get an erection if you don't want sex with a particular woman, even if you're naked in bed together.

For men in mid-life or later, sexual urgency and desire may decrease, but perhaps the most important change for them is that their erections become more elusive. Often direct physical stimulation is needed to get it up - a far cry from the days of youth when his erections popped up all over the place for no apparent reason at all!

As time goes by, a man's erection will also be less firm than it was in his younger days. What's more, he will, from time to time, find that his penis becomes soft during sex. This is so common as to be considered normal, though that may be no consolation to the man in question! Often his fear that he'll never have an erection again makes the whole situation worse. But you know what? It isn't a disaster. First, there's Viagra and its more recent counterparts, Levitra and Cialis. Second, it's possible to enter a woman's vagina with a soft cock, and then pump it erect inside her by using your PC muscles.

The way to do this is to circle the penis with finger and thumb, then push the blood into the shaft and head by running the circling fingers firmly along the shaft. A common variation of this technique is to use a rubber ring that fits around the base of the penis and keeps the blood inside the penis. Often a vacuum pump can be helpful in getting the penis erect in the first place. It's important not to get to hung up about having an erection, and to stop watching anxiously for it to arrive! In such a situation, a man's emotional focus needs to be external - he can think of something that arouses him, for example. One of the major benefits of ageing for a man is that his desire to ejaculate decreases markedly. He can naturally become a long lasting lover without any fear of premature ejaculation!