Sex and Love

Making Love - Differences Between Men and Women

These differences have to be understood by both partners for successful lovemaking. Most young men become sexually excited quite rapidly and get an erection quickly in a matter of seconds; men are ready to enter a woman's vagina and climax very quickly. But this can be unwanted and unpleasant for her.... Women, especially when they are young, tend to become aroused at a slower pace. To be penetrated while one is not aroused is usually not a pleasant experience. So a lover should slowly kiss and caress her and when he senses she is excited, ask her if she is ready to be entered.

Women tend to become aroused when they are gently touched, without hurry or pressure. A man, especially when he is young, enjoys fondling of his penis but does not need it for arousal. A skilled lover will caress the non-genital skin areas of the woman's body first, and only after she seems to respond will he stimulate the erotic areas, which are the nipples and the vulva. Some areas of the body are especially sexy and these are called "erogenous zones." People have different erogenous zones. Some find the ears particularly exciting, others become aroused when the inside of the thigh is caressed, while some are particularly turned on by having their neck kissed.

At any rate, the skillful lover will not stimulate the most sensitive area of all, the clitoris, until his partner is highly aroused. Clitoral stimulation is irritating to most women unless they are already excited, but the clitoris is the seat of women's sexual pleasure - the vagina adds to her pleasure, but the clitoris is the primary focus of her arousal.

And how does a man know where his lover's erogenous zones are, how to stimulate her, when to touch the clitoris, when to penetrate, when to come? He doesn't. Not without experimenting. Not without communicating with his partner. Neither does a woman, for that matter.

Men's responses are more visible, but still men vary greatly in their sexual desires. Every person is somewhat different in sexual preferences and pace, and no person really can guess what the other is feeling. It is each person's responsibility to let the partner know, gently of course, where "one is" sexually and what feels good and what does not, what one desires and what is unpleasant, when one is ready for what. Often a woman is initially too shy to ask and tell her lover that she needs more time or that she wants him to stimulate her clitoris. And men may be too proud and too timid to ask. If a man cannot ejaculate, he may have delayed ejaculation. If he comes too quickly to give the greatest possible pleasure to both partners, he may be said to have premature ejaculation - particularly if the woman is unfulfilled.

Each somehow feels that the other "ought" to know. But this is wrong. The only way to synchronize the differences between the male and female sexual responses, and the only way to develop a happy and satisfying sexual relationship, is to communicate your desires and your dislikes, about sexual techniques and sexual positions - and everything else, for that matter. Openly communicate man to woman and woman to man.

You have to take responsibility for communicating because neither of you has a crystal ball. As the woman, he can't know what you like if you don't let him know. This is not to say that lovers should be selfish and demanding, and only concerned with their own pleasure. Indeed not, it is just as important to learn what sexually excites your partner as it is to teach him what you like. If you are confident and if your relationship with your partner is secure and trusting, you should be able to communicate your sexual likes and dislikes with comfort. If you don't trust each other enough to be candid, you probably should not be making love to each other in the first place.

First-Time Sex Anxiety

Sex can be great the first time, but often is a disaster. It takes some good experiences before one becomes confident and skillful enough to really enjoy it. Unfortunately, unsuccessful first sexual experiences may have a negative rather than a positive effect on a person's later sexual development.

Sexual responses are delicate, and they are easily disturbed by fear or worry. Almost everyone has some degree of stage fright when he or she is about to experience sexual intercourse for the first time. And that is too bad, because the first time can be a very important influence on later sexual adjustment. If one feels very frightened, lovemaking cannot be successful, and that can be very discouraging, especially if one has no one with whom to talk it over afterward. In fact, the first time may be so discouraging that the person may avoid sex for a long time, and then be plagued by fear and doubt the next time he or she tries. Avoidance only makes things worse because it reduces the chance of doing better next time.

A man may suffer from erection problems - see - because he is frightened, or he may ejaculate too soon, perhaps even before entering his partner's vagina. A woman may at first feel discomfort or no pleasure in intercourse. Such unfortunate experiences give rise to doubt and fear, which cause another failure, giving rise to more doubt and fear, and so on and on, escalating into a true sexual problem or dysfunction. This pattern is commonly seen in the histories of adults who seek help with their sexual problems. Often they were poorly prepared for their initial sexual experience, their lovemaking turned out badly, and this started a chain of fear and failure.

Communication about sex

One of the ways to avoid a bad first experience is to have the sexual experience in a good, trusting, communicative relationship. Such a relationship provides psychological security for both partners and protects against the emotional effects of failure. Intercourse will not be abrupt and demanding but will follow a period of enjoyable foreplay. Then, even if all the reflexes do not work right, the sexual experience will not be a total disaster.

At least you can talk about it together sensibly and without hysteria. This way you can learn and pave the way to more successful sexual experiences. When two people trust each other, and are gentle with each other, things never seem awful if sex doesn't work perfectly each time; they can reassure each other and learn and grow together.

Sex and love - making love - sexual myths

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